The Problem with Dating
by Progeny Ex Machina
Summary: Zojja didn't mind the fact that Snaff was in a relationship. It was his choice of partner that bothered her. AU. Crackfic.


**A/N:** I am so, so sorry for this one.

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Zojja didn't hear the screaming, the frantic exclamations that tore through Rata Sum. She was too busy with her latest project to notice any of it. It was her responsibility to prove that she could hold her own in the innovative community. Until very recently, she had been apprenticed to the world's most accomplished inventor and golemancer, with the ingenuity, creativity, and resourcefulness of five lesser asura. Snaff himself admitted that he had kept Zojja far longer than necessary because of his own selfish attachment to her. As the protégé of the most brilliant mind to ever exist, she knew that only the ignorant would doubt her proficiency in intellectual pursuits.

Simply put, she was a genius, and by the Eternal Alchemy, she was going to make sure everyone knew it.

As she pored over her notes, scanning for errors in calculation, she almost didn't hear Snaff walking up behind her. He cleared his throat to get her attention. "I'm busy," Zojja muttered, briefly looking over her shoulder at her former master before turning back to her work.

Then she stiffened, realizing what she had just seen. Certain that it had been a trick of the light, or a sleep-deprived hallucination, she turned around fully to evaluate the situation. No, there it was, and it was definitely not her imagination. An enormous eye, larger than the entrance to the open-air laboratory, was staring at her. For a moment, she merely stared back, open-mouthed. Then she slowly turned to face the older asura.

"Snaff..." she began, annoyance evident in her voice.

"Yes?" he replied, smiling widely.

"Why is there an Elder Dragon in my laboratory?"

"Technically, he isn't _in_ your laboratory. You see, he wouldn't fit through the entrance, so-" He stopped short at the scathing glare Zojja was giving him. "Well, you see..." He paused, and as Zojja waited for him to continue, she became aware of the commotion outside. Kralkatorrik's body was larger than all of Rata Sum, and the citizens were thoroughly unsettled by the vast presence that was striking terror into their hearts and blocking most of their walkways.

Snaff finally found his voice. "You see, Zojja, there are occasions where two intelligent beings harbor a mutual affection of sorts, one that penetrates the mind and body in a manner unlike that of the relationship between a master and his apprentice, and is often mistaken for a physical ailment of sorts. When these two beings learn of their mutual intentions, they may enter into a certain type of partnership, the main objective of which tends to be the satisfaction of a psychological desire to indulge in one another's proximity. While in many such relationships, the end goal is that of procreation, in others it is not so. Although, if it becomes necessary, I may be able to engineer a biological override that would allow for interspecies reproduction," he finished, as calmly as if he had been discussing the weather.

For once in her life, Zojja had listened to the entire speech without a single interruption, an incredulous look slowly spreading over her features. "So what you mean to tell me," she said in a strangely level tone, "is that you are..._dating_ an Elder Dragon?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, he said, "That would have been a simpler way to put it, yes."

"An _Elder Dragon_," she continued, her voice rising with each word. "A creature made of _destruction_ and _chaos_. The very same creatures that have been _terrorizing_ us for _centuries_. And not only that, but the same one that tried to _kill_ us!" The last bit came out sounding high-pitched and frantic, but Zojja didn't care. Had her master gone mad? How could the smartest person in all of Tyria think that..._this_ was a good idea?

"It's perfectly natural to be upset when one's master starts dating," Snaff said in a calming voice. "I know you would prefer to have me all to yourself. I understand that." He leaned in and spoke more quietly. "But as much as he means to me, he will never replace you. I know you're feeling resentful right now-"

She cut him off indignantly. "Resentful?! You think I _resent_ that thing for 'stealing you away from me'? This isn't some juvenile _single-parent complex!_ You're messing around with _pure evil!_"

The dragon's eye blinked. Snaff turned towards it. "Don't worry, Kralky-"

"_Kralky?!_"

"-I'm just about to explain that. Don't be too offended, it's just how she is." As Zojja fumed, Snaff went on without a care in the world. "As you know, I can make contact with Kralkatorrik's mind by the use of powerstones. At first, I only saw chaos and destruction, like you said. But as I spent more time navigating his inner thoughts, I began to understand that he wasn't all bad. He didn't have many friends as a child, you see. Jormag was envious of his crystalline creations, far more difficult to destroy than his own, and Zhaitan was constantly attempting to kill him and resurrect him as a champion." Snaff stopped to clear his throat. "He was dark, and brooding. I'd go so far as to say he was troubled. His failure to kill us weighed heavily on his mind, and I sought to comfort him. He began to captivate me. And through reading his thoughts, I eventually found that I had captivated him as well."

Zojja's eyes had gone wide. She struggled to find words, but none came, so she was left opening and closing her mouth in a vague imitation of a fish. Snaff looked at her, concerned. "Are you all right?" When she didn't answer, he laid a hand on her shoulder, but then his watch beeped. "Ah, I must be going now. Kralky and I are having dinner in Lion's Arch. There are some very nice restaurants there, you know." He flashed her a grin and trotted out the entrance to the lab. Soon after, the dragon's eye disappeared as well. Zojja stared after them, dumbfounded, barely aware of Snaff's voice in the distance:

"You know, I really think she's taken a liking to you."


End file.
